Let me paint a picture…
You are in a good place in life. You’ve got great friends, healthy work-life balance, you’re doing work or hobbies that matter to you. The only thing that’s really missing is a meaningful romantic connection.
And so you put yourself out there and start going on dates. And maybe in your exploration you meet someone that perks your excitement. They are easy to talk to, you feel comfortable in their presence, and the sexual attraction is palpable. You leave your date feeling stoked. High. Hopeful that this could really go somewhere.
And then maybe you go out again. The connection feels mutually satisfying. You can laugh easily with one another, and find that you have a lot of weird things in common. It feels easy and natural to escalate the physical connection.
You find that when you’re not with this person, they consume your thoughts. You are so excited to hear from them. You get a big dopamine hit when their name pops up on your phone.
You find yourself getting carried away in fantasy about the kind of life you could have together. Where you’ll go, what you’ll do, the simple moments you’ll share together, the sexual connection that will light up your world.
And then maybe their contact starts to wane. You aren’t hearing from them as much as you were. You find yourself wanting to check in, send something light and playful to make sure they’re still interested.
And now that sparky, high, elation you were feeling after your first date is starting to feel more like anxiety. The longer they take to get back to you, the more the anxiety intensifies. It becomes increasingly uncomfortable to be in your skin. The only relief you can seem to get is in hearing from them again, which provides you with some momentary calm… until some time goes by, and you start to wonder again. Did they change their mind? Did they meet someone else? Am I being played? Did I say something to turn them off? Am I being too much? Am I not enough? A cascade of anxious and fearful thoughts take over your mind.
This, my friend, is the attachment beast. The dark side of attraction.
The thing that is so tricky about that attachment beast is that those who have ruptures in their early childhood experiences of safe and reliable connection, are the ones who later in adulthood feel a sense of being “at home” with those who also can’t provide consistent and reassuring contact.
Even if it isn’t outwardly obvious at first. There are subtle cues that the psyche is picking up on, indicating that this person is a match to the childhood wound of inconsistent contact and care. In attachment theory, this is what’s referred to as the anxious-avoidant trap.
So what to do when we find ourselves in attachment beast takeover?
Love School was built on tending to this very problem. There are many stages and layers to the solution as it truly is a Hero’s Quest. One thing is for sure though, freeing yourself from the attachment beast will require giving yourself the consistency you’re desiring to receive in your romantic connections with others. Consistent self-attention and self-compassion to unravel the painful patterns and emotionally turbulent psychological imprints. A great starting place in this process is in managing the symptoms of a dysregulated nervous system, which is the physiological term for the attachment beast.
I have a step-by-step process, called the Intervention Plan for Obsessive Thinking, which will equip you with a wide assortment of tools to calm down the attachment beast during a flair up. You can download a free plan, or book a session with me where you will be guided through each of the steps, receiving support and care as you journey to the root fears of the anxiety, transmuting them into powerful mantras of self-connection and stability. After the session, you will have a trustworthy plan for implementing your own relief every time the beast rears its ugly head.
Reclaiming your freedom, self-esteem, and peace.
Comments